I have been taking it easy as I integrate into 2023. One of the big lessons of 2022 was to slow down and be more intentional about how I use my time and energy. Let me explain a little. As you know, or you will know now, I left the safety nest of my 9-5 and went dove head first into taking my businesses full time. This a dream I have held in my heart for as long as I can remember; honestly, even as a child, I remember dreaming of being my boss and feeling powerful. There was this one feminist character I looked up to in a telenovela called "La Dueña," a Mexican soap opera about a beautiful young woman who goes on a journey of self-discovery and love after healing her broken heart... kinda a messy thing for a kid to idolize but, I mean this is Latino culture we are talking about, it's messy. So anyways, I internalized this story about love having to be a struggle; I saw myself as the victim in all of my relationships, including in my marriage.
In January 2022, my hubs and I took our family to Montego Bay; a trip supposed to happen in 2019 when we sold our house was postponed due to COVID. At the time of our original booking, we were celebrating getting back together and calling off our separation, which led to us selling our old house and moving into the home we are in now. On our 9th anniversary, two years after we booked the trip, I was annoyed because we were still in the same frustrating place we were before; nothing had changed even after long nights of tears, screaming, exhaustion, and heartbreak; shit was still the same. One night after dinner, we let the kids run ahead of us and grab an ice cream cone; in that stolen moment of silence, I looked at him like, "WTF, KRIS! Why are we still here? "
Here's the truth. Reconciliation is not easy. It takes a lot of trial and error. It also takes a lot of self-awareness to realize your accountability. If we don't stop to look at what went wrong you will never know what needs to be corrected.
There was nowhere to hide. He couldn't walk out of the room or start to fidget out of discomfort. He looked right into my eyes, and in that moment of intensity, we both knew. We fucked up. We had to try to change things. We were both playing the same game against each other, and that game was based on fear. We were both terrified of the other person breaking our hearts.
From there, 2022 was a pure love experiment- could we go from strangers sleeping in the same bed to lovers in paradise?
Why was I so mad? was it just resentment from motherhood and career burnout? Why was I so dissatisfied?
I wanted to escape; I felt like I was living someone else's life- a life I loved from the outside but felt disconnected from on the inside. I've come to learn that these are all natural feelings, and they shouldn't scare you. They are healthy indicators that you are being tested to start over or give up.
We decided that 2022 would be the year we TRY and not just hope things improve. It was: do or die.
When we returned home later that week, I sat in front of my journal and sobbed. I remember thinking that all I wanted was happiness; why was it so hard?
Instead of problem-solving my way through this love experiment, I decided to allow my word of the year to guide me, "Happiness."
From there, I made tough decisions and stuck to them. I started my yoga journey with the closures behind us; I promised myself I would go to the studio 4-5 times a week and work on my wellness. I had done enough work on myself by that point to realize that the only person holding me back was me. My fight with my body was a significant source of stress in my life, and I allowed it to interfere with the intimacy of my marriage- this was inevitable. When my husband took notice of my commitment to my wellness, he celebrated my progress and championed my willingness to keep going. Eventually, he joined me on the wellness journey, opening up new conversations. Our energy shifted to desire; we desired the best for each other and expected to see the best versions of one another. Little by little, we kept opening up our minds and exploring new spiritual insights from one another. By the end of the year, we were on a beautiful path of healing together.
On January 8th, 2023, on our tenth anniversary, under a beautiful cancer full moon, we danced, walked the beach and laughed our heads off; you can guess that after a lot of ups and downs, we found our way back to one another and made new commitments to each other; we remarried ourselves. We let the fear go, and love won.
Healing looks different for each couple.
If both partners are willing to test their openness, they can find the tools that work for them. Kris and I tried therapy, but it didn't work for us. And after many months of back and forth, I gave up. He was not coachable. So, not one to ever be defeated, I got creative. I started to share my spiritual practices with Kris. This is one area in our marriage that needed the MOST maintenance. I didn't know how much I desired a spiritual marriage until I saw that I didn't have one. I knew kris wouldn't journal with me or meditate, so I started to offer him card pulls on weekends. Over time, he began to enjoy our mini-sessions.
He felt seen when I started sharing kris's natal chart and human design insights with him. Having the insight into his world liberated him from the pain he thought of having to put words to his feelings, which I now understand just does not come naturally for him; that's not an excuse; he did learn to take my lead and initiate better using my feedback. I also learned how to let go and stop micromanaging everything. Through these insights we shared, we made our home a place we felt safe to be in, and it increased our desire to pour more love into each other. We each had to overcome ourselves and stop trying to prove our independence. We realized that by doing things on our own, we were robbing the other person of an opportunity to be in service to the other, which is ironically both of our love languages- we both love to be helpful and independent. Funny right? I bet some of you out there can relate to this.
So if you find yourself lost in your relationship and feel hopeless, start with this question: What do I desire for myself? And if in that meditation, your partner's essence comes to you, there is hope, and maybe it's time to try something different. Why don't you try Human design chart reading with your partner to see what minor adjustments you can make to improve your communication style? Let me tell you, one session will save you years of back and forth, trust me.