I love the phrase, "Sometimes you have to look back before you can move forward." A heightened awareness of our fears gives us insights into our authentic realities. As a young woman, the thought of motherhood terrified me; I felt that I was not meant to take up the role. I thought I would immediately fail; it came down to the simple fact that I felt like an outsider and the world was not made for me. I believed that if it felt so intensely uninhabitable for me, I wouldn't be strong enough to sustain the permanence of motherhood, and my weakness would extend emotional injury to someone else.
And then life happened, and in proper spiritual form, my destiny began to reveal itself. At 25 years old, I had my left ovary and fallopian tube removed due to endometriosis. My fertility became the spotlight of my undefined life. I was told that I would not conceive naturally due to scar tissue in my uterus and cervix. Parts of me now recognize that my fear may have manifested this outcome. However, back then, the unhealed version of myself fell into a deep, hollowing sorrow; I suddenly yearned so profoundly to experience motherhood.
Miraculously, three months after my surgery, I conceived naturally. As my tummy blossomed and my son's soul stepped forward to meet me ( I would often meditate in the bath), I felt an immediate, deep sense of purpose. I knew my son's soul so intensely while he was in utero I instinctively knew we had a more profound bond beyond the one of this dimension. And I also learned that his journey would be difficult when he entered.
The first year of his life was challenging in mysterious ways. For instance, he had difficulty setting a sleep routine like most babies. He would not sleep through the night; he always woke up screaming and crying inconsolably when I went to his room to scoop him from his crib; waves of fear always swept over me. In our nightly feedings, I often felt that others were in the room with us; he would always look around the room in search of something. I frequently caught him on the baby monitor having conversations in baby babble while propped up and standing in his crib. All of these minor occurrences and many more led me to seek help in my mom's group. I shared my story, and while other moms dismissed me as a tired first-time mom, a lady stayed behind to share some insight. She told me to put black onyx stones in the corners of his room to protect him in his dream world.
Immediately after that, my parenting style went from a Westernized textbook mom to spiritually aware and conscious parenting.
The term indigo child was first introduced to me when my son was approaching his second birthday. The term may raise controversy from the traditional western medical community; however, the controversy does not frighten me, we are in a time of radical change, and that change must trickle down to our widespread ideologies of accepted form of parenting. My son matured and learned how to use language, his brilliance and indigo spirit came through and his abilities are very apparent to those around him. He is profoundly empathetic and carries the wisdom in his soul with so much integrity. As a healer, I appreciate this; I now understand why I was scared of motherhood. I wasn't yet ready to acknowledge my power and gift. Motherhood was the bridge that connected me back to my inner knowing. My son guided me back home, back inward, and now we travel the bridge between the heavens and the earth together.
I am teaching him how to manage and assess his emotions. By helping him develop his emotional intelligence, I hope that his intuition doesn't disempower him. The world needs more indigo children; the more we support our children and help them find their purpose, the easier and more elevated our collective will become. Today, my son is a gifted artist who is learning to express himself through art, music, and storytelling, with aspirations to help others do what they love. It is truly never too early or too late to learn about the
magick within us.
