I have had both minor and significant procedures throughout the years. It does not get easier; the process gets more complicated over time. There is never a convenient time to have surgery; post-op care is limited to incision, wound care, and nothing else. I have had negative experiences with surgeries as a young woman, nieve, voiceless and vulnerable to negligent medical advice, and I've had positive life-saving emergency procedures; being on both sides of it gives me ample experience to confidently share this with you.
Let's talk about the body, the nervous system and the spiritual aspect of consent.
When I was 24 years old, my OBGYN advised me that the medication protocol I was on was no longer effective enough to treat the stage of Endometriosis growing in and around my uterus. He informed me that the next due course would be to have my left ovary and fallopian tube removed. He assured me that the procedure was non-intrusive and I would heal within seven days. He also mentioned at the time that moving forward with this option would negatively affect my chances of conceiving.
At 24 years old, I was not concerned with my fertility; in retrospect, I realize now how disconnected I was from my body; by that point, my body had endured so much trauma going through this procedure felt like another event I would disassociate through and forget.
Unfortunately, things were not so simple. I had not put into place any tools or support to help me land back into my body post-surgery. My bodily constitution had entirely changed, and it was not something I had prepared for. My mental health immediately suffered. I grieved without knowing what it was that I was grieving. I have learned that decisions that impact the body should not be taken out of fear. When I decided to move forward with the surgery, I reasoned to myself that I was doing it out of a place of balance and harmony with myself. I knew that the discomfort from the disease impaired my ability to sit for long periods, and raging pain caused me to miss out on life. I did not want to enter my second career as a liability to a company. At the time, worlds like episodic illness and ableism did not exist. I was deeply conditioned to be a hard-working and consistent performer. My parents never took sick days, and they were frowned upon by everyone in my family. If I did miss a day of school or work, I would immediately be labelled lazy and told to take pain medication and move on. The compassion wasn't there.
I don't blame my loved ones for misguiding me, they did what they knew to do, and through that learning pattern, I decided to disrupt it; there had to be a gentler way to co-exist.
By the time I was 33 years old, I had had eight surgeries in under ten years. In the time preceding my last surgery, I have learned a lot about what went wrong, what I wish I knew and how I could better prepare myself and others preparing themselves in the future.
What went wrong?
I became comfortable in the victim narrative, I felt fragile, and people responded to me that way. I unintentionally trained people around me to experience my energy in a low state. I had created the reality that I would not recover. I had not yet learned about my thoughts' power and their effect on my existence. Subconsciously I was feeding this script with my fears of death and my unresolved trauma responses around fear of abandonment. I didn't know it then, but so long as I was sick and unhealthy, my family would give me the attention I desired; they gave me special attention and consideration unlike I had ever experienced before.
Not many people will make a claim I'm about to make. I genuinely believe that my mind manifested a lot of the pain I experienced in my body, I was obsessively thinking about the pain, and no one told me about the dangers of letting my mind run wild. No one knew me beyond my misery and suffering. I felt so much resistance in my life. The more I wanted to be considered for more responsibility, the more my mental health and physical state would be pushed in front of me. I was being passed over for opportunities because I had taught people to walk on eggshells around me. I spent too much time thinking about things instead of creating time to heal, and as a result, I was entirely out of harmony with my energy. The offset in my energy caused my low moods to remain persistently low and brought on a battle with my body, self-esteem and sex drive.
What I wish I knew
I have learned that we cannot hold ourselves in contempt over the things we did not know. I have learned that when we feel out of control, it is essential to remember that we are in control of our thoughts, and those thoughts carry energy codes. When we bring the mind to a place of peace, we begin repairing the body/mind and spirit connection. Suppose we do not pull back from our patterns and examine our behaviours, specifically. In perfectionism, we allow emotions to overtake reality; things become unmanageable. I know that for myself, it was tough to look at myself naked. I only saw scars and soft curves; I saw myself as a problem; I resented my body instead of appreciating how hard it worked to keep me safe.
part 2 to be continued.
